when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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