he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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