I feel like abortions should bother me more
Ketchup is God's man juice
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
