I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
if only i could text you this smell
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize