I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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