At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
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