I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
