im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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