I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize