you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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