So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
