did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
