You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
