ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Too much gin, very little bucket
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
