So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
