I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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