It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
