The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
