i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
