I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
