Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
