I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Four minutes until I can fart!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
