THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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