You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Enjoy the penises
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
