I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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