they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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