I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Randomize
