You're my little dorito
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
