i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
