He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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