he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
