tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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