i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
