I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
