and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
