Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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