Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize