no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize