Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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