When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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