if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize