everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
