the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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