i just google imaged poop.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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