so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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