When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize