I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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