My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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