mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
