you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
