i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
