Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Randomize
