remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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