you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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