I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
