so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
