Where is the hickey?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
