you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
