there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
