We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
