im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
