I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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