My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Well I just put wine in my tea
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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