I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
