Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Pooping to opera.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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