I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
