Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
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