1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
