Already got asked if we're dating
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
