I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
